Unique conversation starters

Howdy folks, I figured I'd post something light about myself, but usually that sort of thing leads to endless anecdotal tangents and rambling galore. In the good name of brevity, I found what are supposed to be "unique" questions to slip into a conversation when meeting someone new. Hopefully this brings something a little above the Myspace "ZOMG 25 Qestionz!!!!!!" standard for your reading enjoyment. For those of you who don't know me at all, here I am on a poor quality webcam.

Here goes.

What's your favorite Dr. Seuss book?

Easy. The all time classic "Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are?" In which an old man sits on a cactus telling a young lad about all manner of ridiculous situations involving the misfortune of others. To this day I stop to remember the poor guy on his camel wamel whose faddle got loose. I'm telling you duckie, he's gone like a goose! 

What's your favorite Barry Manilow song?

Again, no question. Copa Cabana. I remember all the lyrics and corresponding dance moves from a time my sister had to perform it. I remember my first experience in a private karaoke room, at the end of the night a little phone rang and a guy let us know it was the last song - up comes my choice of Copa Cabana, I felt the need to perform it on the table, surrounded by a group of gawking Chinese kids, none of whom I really knew.

If you could live in any home on a television series, what would it be?

It would have to be the Addams Family house. There was just so much cool shit going on, and that fucking hand would appear whenever any small services were required. Sweet crib.

Who's your favorite Muppet?

I'm a huge Jim Henson fan, and a muppet enthusiast. It's really difficult, but the one who always made me laugh the most both as a child and today has to be that Swedish Chef. Absolutely sensational, the height of silly fun.

What's the best bargain you've ever found at a garage sale or thrift store?

I remember once finding 2 copies of Silver Surfer #1 at a garage sale once. I think they were part of a 10 comics for $1 sale. I remember selling one for about 50 bucks, a lot at the time!

Describe something that's happened to you for which you have no explanation.

The only time anything vaguely supernatural or unexplainable happened to me was when I was around 14, I remember reaching for a glass on the kitchen counter, and as soon as my hand touched the glass it literally shattered into a hundred pieces, not a break but a small explosion. Glass was in every corner of the room, and I was alone which made it more freaky. I was 14, so the only explanation I can muster is that perhaps I hadn't masturbated that day and it was an excess of magical fapping energy built up in my hand. Who knows.

What's the habit you're proudest of breaking?

Too easy. I rid myself of heroin addiction over 10 years ago now, and though I have still used all manner of drugs, I have never taken on a heroin habit again since I quit. That took all the strength I had. Lately I have stopped drinking, but that's more something I wanted to do anyway.

What's your favorite Cyndi Lauper song?


True Colours. It's probably my favourite 80's ballad, total gold.








If you could go to Disney World with any celebrity alive today, who would it be?

That has got to be the stupidest question ever. If I was to meet a celebrity, that's the last place either of us would want to be, unless it was some kid, or Michael Jackson, but he's dead. But I guess if I was going to ride the teacups with anyone, it would be David Lynch. 


So there you go, a few things on me. 


Till next time


Ratty

Haiku Review: films critiqued in just 17 syllables!

Howdy movie buffs and poetry jammers, it's Ratty again. I was thinking the other day about writing micro-reviews to suit the busy lifestyle of the film goer. But let's face it - all of us who love movies are constantly subjected to advertisements, articles, teasers, taglines, recommendations and raves from the media and friends alike, so my input would be about as useful as thrush. So how can I deliver a quick impression of all the movies that I am bombarded with, and assist you in your general wellbeing at the same time? The magical power of haiku. This ancient form of elegantly balanced poetry is the perfect vessel in which to deliver my opinions. Actually, I have no idea how this one's going to go, but I thought it might be fun. I'm going to go for films in my "New Releases 2010" folder that I have watched, so no horror films included. 

The Killer Inside Me


Alba's ass whipped hard
Gripping and often brutal
Some Afflecks can act....

Ong Bak 3


Lots of ass kicking
But far too slow in between
The crow guy was cool

Red


Humour largely fails
Cast never looks that comfy
Action's about all.

Splice


Sweet looking creature
Challenges human ethics
A bit cheesy though

Inception
Dreams within more dreams
Was it as good as the hype?
It's a real mind fuck

Altitude (well, I guess this is horror)


Stuck up in the air
The monster's going to get you
At least there aren't snakes

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps


Gecko free at last
Douglas really nails this one
Shia Labeof? Meh.

The A Team


Rainy day movie
Ridiculous action scenes
They FLY a damn tank!

Predators


It's a well made film
Watch it on a massive screen
Enjoy the carnage

Toy Story 3


Woody and Buzz Rule
A worthwhile 3-D movie
Pixar wins again

Centurion


Gritty and gory
Ignore the obvious flaws
And enjoy the ride


So there you have it. 11 films reviewed in only 187 syllables.


Till next time!


Ratty

Some poetry from the archives

Hi guys! Since I am not in a position to sit and write comfortably till next week, I figured I'd add a few older pieces for you to read. Here's a couple of my poems from recent times. I hope you enjoy them!


The expanse of black nothing stretches out before me,
I try to make out blurry shapes with lidless eyes,
My body is floating, suspended in this empty place.

Waves of cold and heat rise and fall right through me,
Echoes of familiar voices resonate in my ears,
I cannot make out the words they speak to me.

Unravelling from the tips of my fingers and toes,
My physical form disintegrates into a fine mist,
Slowly I become one with the rushing air around me.

Freed from my prison, I am the wind in the sky,
I am the whispering you hear only in dreams,
You cannot see me, but I brush against your skin.

Come into the rising, burning light of the sun,
Join me here among impossible infinite sky,
We will become beautiful billowing clouds above it all.

Darkness becomes light, days turn over and over,
Time has lost meaning in this new reality,
I am a looking-glass that traps the eternal moment.

I fall with the rain, and rise through the trees,
Crashing on the shore as a powerful wave,
Piercing through the air in the song of the birds.

Open your eyes while you sleep, and let go,
Drift along through the blue dream, I will find you,
Together we will be laughter and tears at once.

I can become the twinkling of the stars at night,
You will live in the crisp air of a new morning,
Together we form a rainbow painted in the sky.

Don't wake yet, let us stay in this beautiful dream.

And here's one more:


The surge of gravity weighs on my mind, dragging thoughts ever downward,
A weight of great intensity, forever tugging at my senses, blurring thought,
I fall.

Shuffling feet wander over my path, these shoes are not my own, dirty and worn,
They were borrowed from another soul, long gone, but who am I now?
I wander.

Waves of doubt created by the wind of terror, the rain pours on the sea,
Crashing foam upon my body, sucking me into the maelstrom,
I drown.

Laughing faces mock me; I beat them all with cool and clever tricks,
The smart guy always has the answer, right? Of course I do,
I pretend.

Determined I fight through each challenge, every day a new strength,
What skills I have attained, a master of all things unimportant.
I ignore.

When shall I decide not to change, but to continue noble,
Acceptance will come but only without regret, with pride at hand
I feel.

Simple honesty wakes my eyes, the obvious so deftly spoken,
How does she know my darkest soul, my brightest light?
I share.

Newfound friendship curls my smile so true, laughter seems new
And discovery so innocent, I wish to open my eyes again
I see.

When shall I face the mirror cracked, to piece together all these thoughts?
The broken shards repair to reveal a knowing and familiar smile, my own.
I believe.

She holds me close, deciding for me what I knew all along, so simple,
Holding hands together, is the whole world inside this touch? Who knows?I know.





Cheers guys!


Ratty

Must Miss: Heckraiser PG-13

Howdy horrorphiles, it's me again. After a bit of a break, I've decided to continue to my painful predictions of upcoming remakes. My theory is, by imagining the worst case scenario now, when the film is released it won't seem quite so bad. Idiotic? Sure. But perhaps a bit of fun. So far I have taken on 
I Spit On Your Grave and 
Videodrome


What's next on the butcher's block? 


Hellraiser (1987) was a game changer. The 80's had seen enough formulaic slashers to last a thousand Halloweens, the tenuous grip of censorship and the focus on many projects to "make that target classification" was leaving the average horror fan crying at the steps of the abandoned drive-in. The most horrific slashes and cuts were being made in the editing room. Along came Clive.

I feel there is no plot summary needed. This graphic, often elegantly sickening film was a revelation, a faithful interpretation of a fantastic book by its author, I would go so far as to say a masterpiece of the genre. At the time this was released I was 11 years old, even the still shots on the cover of the video scared me, I knew one thing was certain about Hellraiser: THIS WAS NOT FOR CHILDREN! The 18+ classification was for once a serious warning.

Upon reading this article the other day 
Oh dear


I was frankly more disgusted than a priest at a cenobite gang bang. A PG-13 HELLRAISER? This news gave me the same reaction I had the first time I saw the Toxic Avenger cartoon. Hellraiser has already had over 5 sequels, each more perplexing and messy than the last. So now it's time to bring this tale to the teen crowd? How is this even possible? WHY REMAKE THIS??


Well that's enough introduction. Here's the prediction I hope never comes true. Coming soon to a theater near you.......


Clive Barker's Heckraiser - PG13


Frankie has it all. For his prodigious abilities as a video game programmer, he is working for the hottest company in the world, Minisoft. It is his sole resposibility to perfect the next wave in gaming technology, a game system where the action is projected out around you by the console itself - the  brand new Minisoft Puzbox. All this at the age of 15. He is sent to Africa (a place where he will be safe from corporate spies) to try the new game, Heckris - The Lament Configuration. It is said the final level of this heckish puzzle game is impossible to complete, and the original programmer went insane trying, and then disappeared shortly afterward. Upon returning home to California, Frank discovers the secret to the puzbox, and something that could have been fairly awful happens to him - based on the ominous music and the fact that the camera has panned away to focus intently on the puzbox for a good five minutes, whilst the tie-in hit single "Lament my Heart" by Evanescence is 
played in its entirety. 






Then come the opening credits, including a string of advertisments for the plethora of related Heckraiser and Puzbox products, and a stern reminder for any viewers experiencing extreme terror to watch the film with the special Zero-D glasses provided - these solid cardboard glasses will ensure visual safety from the gut-prodding discomforts the next sixty-eight minutes (including snack and toilet intermission) will be providing.

Meanwhile, in the pee-pee soaked heck-hole that lies beyond the world of normal teens, the dark master of all that is mildly unpleasant sits in his throne of ultimate discomfort - a really old looking wooden chair. Uncushioned. He is Headpin, the emo lord of the Wannabites, a group of disturbed teens in white makeup and leatherette costumes who relish in the suggestion of pain, the idea of hurting oneself, the notion of suffering and finding it kind of cool, the theme of one day having something pierced. Headpin of course has already crossed the threshhold of temporary niggling sensation, as he shows off his shining head accessory to the adoring mob of mindless followers. This heckish wasteland, though too dark to see, is described in blood-agitating detail, it is a domain of evilish behaviour, a labryinth of moderate diffculty created by the excessively semi-destructive behaviour of playing videogames not manufactured by Minisoft. Heck might seem cool, but it's a non stop pot party where Wannabites spread disease through unprotected kissing, and to make matters worse, they plan to bring heck to California if they can escape the confines of the powerful Puzbox....

At this stage I admit I'm struggling. There now needs to be a substantial portion of the original film's plot excluded, simply because even the underlying themes, let alone the graphic violence, sexual scenes and language wouldn't make the cut here. So in replacement....


Frankie is resurrected through the power of stolen souls, which are harvested by the wily Julia, who lures young emo boys into a darkened room with a funny smelling mattress to hold hands and play Puzbox. They end up getting about as much as they bargained for, as they are captured and forced by Frankie to completely remove all of their fashionable clothing, jewelery and makeup, and do goodness knows what, presumably something really quite annoying and dull. As the camera pans faithfully toward the puzbox, the muffled protests of the next victim can be heard... along with "I'm Onna Hurt Yew Dawg", the soon to be hit single by Insane Clown Posse. 


Snack and toilet intermission (approx 25 minutes of advertisments for related products such as Wannabite cereal - "It's a heck of a crunch!"


Meanwhile, in the possibly mouldy and most certainly unsanitary depths of heck, Headpin is in the process of converting the cast of incidental characters into Wannabites, each slightly more unsettling than the next - and by no coincidence, the very nature of their punishment is directly related to some adolescent pitfall from which they were suffering.... Behold....


iPodd Wannabite! This unfortunate teen downloaded copyrighted music to listen to on his iPodd, instead of browsing the very reasonably priced 99c online store - now he must forever suffer the fate of having his iPodd headphones stuck into his ears, forever playing last season's forgotten hits..... Oh the inconvenience!


Smoking Wannabite! This kid thought it was cool to smoke and offer cigarettes to his underage friends - now he must experience the meaning of flavour country, five cigarettes permanently attached to his mouth - Oh the smooth, mild terror!


Preggers Wannabite: This teenage mommy-to-be was planning to get an abortion with her parents' money - what more fitting punishment than being resposible for the day care centre housing the junior members of Heck's dark playground - the often hilarious and always poorly behaved Minibites! Oh, the animation spinoff possibilities!

This is it: time for the final showdown. A stern Zero-D glasses warning indicates viewers should shield their eyes from the coming scenes.

Headpin and the Wannabites have Frankie cornered. Tied up with red licorice vines, there appears to be no escape. Kirsty, the main female character who has yet to appear in the film due to so much editing, is struggling in the corner to try and complete the Lament Configuration level 60 to close the gates of heck again. Frank's fate is sealed off camera, his final words echoing through the room:


"Bieber wept."


As Kirsty completes the game with the help of 24 hour game support and the official game guide (on sale now), the depths of Heck are transformed into an all ages party jam musical number, complete with breakdancing Wannabites and a Headpin headspin. 




So there you have it. Incredibly difficult to pen even as a parody, a PG-13 Hellraiser is simply the most retarded idea since this thing.

Killer poet on the loose

Well, I decided to kick off the holiday with some fun rhymes, I tried to really squeeze in the horror references toward the end there :P Have fun!

Kick it!


It was Halloween night and you were walking through the hood
Ignoring all the people talking bout the stalker in the woods,


His mother was a crack head, his father was a phantom,
He smacked his brother Jack's head, and carved it for a lantern,


He even went to Crystal lake nice and fuckin early,
Smacked Jason around and made him wear a Mighty Ducks Jersey,


Went down to Elm Street for a double Freddy creature feature,
Covered his face in anchovies and made a very cheesy pizza,


He got Michael Myers excited about being a brilliant actor
Then cut off his face and gave it back to William Shatner!


Took a road trip another year and stayed at Motel Bates
Told Norman he fucked his mother dear and he wanted better hotel rates,


I don't mean to trip pedantic but he'll leave you quickly frantic
When he slits your dick in one sick flick - like Nekromantik,


The guy's a basket case who suffers from high level brain damage,
He married Frankenhooker, what a bad biology painful marriage,


This Creeper could also be called a phenomenon he's superior
It's opera and the fat lady's breathing her last suspiria,


He's a nasty flesh eater, but you could call him a zombi 2,
Comin from the beyond to put another touch of death on you,


It's a nightmare city, a city of the walking dead too,
A night, a dawn, a day will pass and then you could lose your head foo' 


(ouch!)


So listen to me carefully before you trick or treat, 
There isn't another slasher with rhymes so slick and sweet,


And every horror tale should have a twist to thrill you - 
That rapper was me - hold still while I kill you!


Happy Halloween!


My influences:

And of course the hardest nigga ganstas of alltime.