Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Vampy bit me - in the BRAAAIIIIIINS!

Linda Le, the hottest geek in the world

Zombie ammo, the best way to prepare for the bitter end.

Howdy freaks and geeks! Ratty here to deliver another safe injection, this time the topic is zombies and vampires. The truly delectable geek goddess, the one and only Vampy Bit Me! (Linda Le) along with the good folk at Zombieammo have posed the question many have asked and argued about, vampires or zombies? Who would win in a real fight? Which kick more ass? 

Comparisons and arguments can be made on all levels here. So I'm going to take this one up a notch, rather than just write one of my stupid parodies, I am going to take some time to look at a few different ways in which we can weigh the brain munching undead up against the blood slurping immortal. 

Lets start with an easy one. If you had a mate whose mother was a vampire, and another who spawned from the decaying womb of a zombie, who could you rip on more? 

Zombie Mom:
"Yo Mama is so ugly, when she look in the mirror her reflection screams!"
"Yo mama so smelly, her shit scares flies away!"
"Yo mama is so dirty, she went swimming at the beach and left a ring around the ocean!"
"Yo mama teeth so nasty, even the cavity creeps left!"
"Yo mama is so stupid, she got no driver's licence because she was afraid of getting a head shot!"
"Yo mama is so decomposed, she sent me a postcard and her tongue was still on the stamp!"

Vampire Mom:
"Yo mama is so pale, you sit around her in a blackout!"
"Yo mama is so old, she owes Jesus two fiddy!"
"Yo Mama is so.... dude, your Mom's HOT!"

Winner: Vampires. You're much safer in the schoolyard with a vampire Mommy.

ROUND 2: Employment prospects  
If there's one place we know that grace under pressure is needed, it's in a job interview! So let's take this hypothetical to the extreme, which school leaver would get the job flippin' burgers? Let's find out.


"So, what's your name?"
"Grimordius Darcc the 4th"
"You're 753. Ooooooo-kaaaaayyyyy..... What hours are you available for work?"
"Well, I can't go out in the sun, so it would have to be night shifts."
"Any references?"
"Count Yorga, I used to work for him."
"What did you do?"
"I found him children to eat."
"Ah. Do you have any questions for me?"
"Yes. Do your garlic fries actually contain any garlic?"
"When can I start?"
"Uh, don't call us, we'll call you."


"So, what's your name?"
"That what your mates call you, eh? Just like the Thunderbirds?"
"I loved that show.... How old are you?"
"Haha, no worries. My wife's been 40 for the last 10 years. How will you be travelling to work?"
"Trains? No worries, if they ever run on time, am I right? What hours are you available?"
"Your braiiiiiiin is miiiiiiine....."
"Rain or shine eh? I like your attitude sonny! And do you have any ideas for Greaseburger?"
"Grains? We have been thinking about a healthier bun choice! Brilliant thinking!   When can you start?"
"How about Monday?"

Winner: Zombie - a  model employee for any fast food restaurant.

ROUND THREE: Look at my range!

So which choice of role will better an actor's career? Which is more likely to be a career ender? Let's find out:

Eddie Murphy - Vampire in Brooklyn - possibly the final nail in his comedic coffin, this absolute stinker with a twist of lemon was about as funny as tongue cancer.

Aaliyah - Queen of the Damned - A movie so bad the star died from shame.

Leslie Nielsen - Dracula, Dead And Loving It - Even the master of cornball comedy couldn't breathe life into this Mel Brooks disaster.

Billy Connelly - Fido - Need I say more? 
Not many actors have put their hands up for a zombie featured role, because there aren't many going around. This is proof that everyone should have a go at being a zombie.

Winner: Zombies. You are much more likely to suck (pun intended) in that vampire role.

ROUND FOUR: Screaming your name

As much as we may deny it, sex is considered in any decision making process, even those unlikely to ever involve a sexual act. Who would be better in the sack? Let's look at some examples.


Rigor mortis makes for a permerection in males, and when it comes to female nipples, chicken's done!

If you sleep with a zombie, at least you know they really want you for your brains, not your body.

Maggots create a natural ribbing for that "French tickler" effect!

The only sexual partner that looks and smells better after a "Cleveland Steamer".



Are sexy. 

That's about it really! They've had thousands of sexual partners, most of whom were probably better than you (there's a chance they even fucked one of your grandparents), forget oral sex with those teeth, they will always leave before the sun comes up, and all your friends will give you shit about the awful hickey on your neck.

Winner: Surprisingly, zombies.

ROUND 5: Death of the party 
So it's your wild 18th birthday celebration. Who is more likely to make the party a world-beater? Let's investigate.

Vampire party tricks:

Great storytellers. Vampires will regale your guests with tales of debauchery, murder and intrigue from the pages of history. 

Notorious pickup artists. Guests will enjoy placing bets as to which drunken floozy your vampire buddy will be taking home.

Always well dressed. The vampire will add a touch of style, and guests will think "well fuck, look at this guy all dressed up, this must be a killer party!"

Pranks galore. Turning into mist and hiding in the bong for one.

Knows when the party is over. By the time the sun comes up, this animal has left the building (likely with the hottest chick there), and won't hang around being annoying and suggesting you clean up now and save the trouble.

Zombie party tricks:

Zombies are rotting corpses brought to life who want to kill people and eat their brains. You should not invite them to your party.

Winner: Vampires.

So there you have it, after 5 gruelling rounds, the undead seem to be coming up on top. As for the hypothetical question about vampires fighting zombies, I'm quite sure if we wait around, eventually George A Romero and Stephanie Myers will team up to bring us "Twilight of the Dead", or something similarly lame. But of course the line for tickets will be a mile long. Who are the real suckers and dead heads?

The....... HORRRRRROR!!!!!!!!

Till next time


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