Sunday, November 21, 2010

Comix day

That's all. For those that missed em on comixed or facebook.

Ratman's tricky sticky movie quiz: 11 minutes to kill?

Ok, I had some spare time, so I figured I'd write a quick quiz for all you film buffs out there. Just 11 questions, time limit 11 minutes, no search engines allowed. Honesty system obviously. Can you score a perfect 11?

What was the name of the Sargeant who led the team of crack soldiers to help Ripley battle Aliens?
1. Hicks
2. Vasquez
3. Apone
4. Hudson

Which of the following horror films was not made in Australia?
1. Body Melt
2. Howling 3: The Marsupials
3. Razorback
4. Bad Taste

All of the actors below had cameos in Warren  Beatty's ambitious stinker Dick Tracy - but who played 88 keys?
1. Dick Van Dyke
2. William Forsythe
3. Mandy Patinkin
4. Dustin Hoffman

Another huge scale family film with a big cast was Hook. Who played the principal pirate Smee?
1. Danny DeVito
2. Bob Hoskins
3. Dudley Moore
4. Dustin Hoffman

Mark Hamill disappeared from film for 6 years after Return Of The Jedi, only to return in which 1989 sci fi stinker?
1. Freejack
2. Slipstream
3. The Philadelphia Experiment
4. Brainstorm

Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes character Sam Smith is a master of disguise. But what gives away his flawless tomato disguise?
1. He farts
2. He asks a killer tomato to "pass the ketchup"
3. His suit falls off while dancing
4. He can't see and keeps bumping into everything

After directing classics like Brain Damage and Basket Case, Frank Henenlotter returned to trash filmmaking with the brilliantly over the top Bad Biology. How many clitorises does the main character have?
1. 3
2. 5
3. 7
4. 1, but it's the size of a volleyball.

Which of the following Westerns does not feature Lee Van Cleef?
1. The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance
2. Gunfight at the OK Corral
3. The Good, The Bad and the Ugly
4. The Magnificent 7

Which of the following Planet Of The Apes titles is made up?
1. Escape From The Planet Of The Apes
2. Conquest Of The Planet Of The Apes
3. Beneath The Planet Of The Apes
4. The Last Battle Of The Planet Of The Apes

In the Ed Furlong video-game-that-makes-you-really-kill movie Brainscan, what is the name of the evil villain controlling the game?
1. Trickster
2. Mystero
3. Spinner
4. Mesmero

Another Furlong film: name the underrated gangster film he appeared in, which had an atmosphere created by an average 12 second shot time (most films have a 3-6 second average)
1. Miller's Crossing
2. Little Odessa
3. State Of Grace
4. A Bronx Tale

So there you have it folks, watch this video while you decide on your final answers, answer key below. Post your results and pass it along if you found it tricky!



Till next time


Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Unique conversation starters

Howdy folks, I figured I'd post something light about myself, but usually that sort of thing leads to endless anecdotal tangents and rambling galore. In the good name of brevity, I found what are supposed to be "unique" questions to slip into a conversation when meeting someone new. Hopefully this brings something a little above the Myspace "ZOMG 25 Qestionz!!!!!!" standard for your reading enjoyment. For those of you who don't know me at all, here I am on a poor quality webcam.

Here goes.

What's your favorite Dr. Seuss book?

Easy. The all time classic "Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are?" In which an old man sits on a cactus telling a young lad about all manner of ridiculous situations involving the misfortune of others. To this day I stop to remember the poor guy on his camel wamel whose faddle got loose. I'm telling you duckie, he's gone like a goose! 

What's your favorite Barry Manilow song?

Again, no question. Copa Cabana. I remember all the lyrics and corresponding dance moves from a time my sister had to perform it. I remember my first experience in a private karaoke room, at the end of the night a little phone rang and a guy let us know it was the last song - up comes my choice of Copa Cabana, I felt the need to perform it on the table, surrounded by a group of gawking Chinese kids, none of whom I really knew.

If you could live in any home on a television series, what would it be?

It would have to be the Addams Family house. There was just so much cool shit going on, and that fucking hand would appear whenever any small services were required. Sweet crib.

Who's your favorite Muppet?

I'm a huge Jim Henson fan, and a muppet enthusiast. It's really difficult, but the one who always made me laugh the most both as a child and today has to be that Swedish Chef. Absolutely sensational, the height of silly fun.

What's the best bargain you've ever found at a garage sale or thrift store?

I remember once finding 2 copies of Silver Surfer #1 at a garage sale once. I think they were part of a 10 comics for $1 sale. I remember selling one for about 50 bucks, a lot at the time!

Describe something that's happened to you for which you have no explanation.

The only time anything vaguely supernatural or unexplainable happened to me was when I was around 14, I remember reaching for a glass on the kitchen counter, and as soon as my hand touched the glass it literally shattered into a hundred pieces, not a break but a small explosion. Glass was in every corner of the room, and I was alone which made it more freaky. I was 14, so the only explanation I can muster is that perhaps I hadn't masturbated that day and it was an excess of magical fapping energy built up in my hand. Who knows.

What's the habit you're proudest of breaking?

Too easy. I rid myself of heroin addiction over 10 years ago now, and though I have still used all manner of drugs, I have never taken on a heroin habit again since I quit. That took all the strength I had. Lately I have stopped drinking, but that's more something I wanted to do anyway.

What's your favorite Cyndi Lauper song?

True Colours. It's probably my favourite 80's ballad, total gold.

If you could go to Disney World with any celebrity alive today, who would it be?

That has got to be the stupidest question ever. If I was to meet a celebrity, that's the last place either of us would want to be, unless it was some kid, or Michael Jackson, but he's dead. But I guess if I was going to ride the teacups with anyone, it would be David Lynch. 

So there you go, a few things on me. 

Till next time


Monday, November 15, 2010

Haiku Review: films critiqued in just 17 syllables!

Howdy movie buffs and poetry jammers, it's Ratty again. I was thinking the other day about writing micro-reviews to suit the busy lifestyle of the film goer. But let's face it - all of us who love movies are constantly subjected to advertisements, articles, teasers, taglines, recommendations and raves from the media and friends alike, so my input would be about as useful as thrush. So how can I deliver a quick impression of all the movies that I am bombarded with, and assist you in your general wellbeing at the same time? The magical power of haiku. This ancient form of elegantly balanced poetry is the perfect vessel in which to deliver my opinions. Actually, I have no idea how this one's going to go, but I thought it might be fun. I'm going to go for films in my "New Releases 2010" folder that I have watched, so no horror films included. 

The Killer Inside Me

Alba's ass whipped hard
Gripping and often brutal
Some Afflecks can act....

Ong Bak 3

Lots of ass kicking
But far too slow in between
The crow guy was cool


Humour largely fails
Cast never looks that comfy
Action's about all.


Sweet looking creature
Challenges human ethics
A bit cheesy though

Dreams within more dreams
Was it as good as the hype?
It's a real mind fuck

Altitude (well, I guess this is horror)

Stuck up in the air
The monster's going to get you
At least there aren't snakes

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps

Gecko free at last
Douglas really nails this one
Shia Labeof? Meh.

The A Team

Rainy day movie
Ridiculous action scenes
They FLY a damn tank!


It's a well made film
Watch it on a massive screen
Enjoy the carnage

Toy Story 3

Woody and Buzz Rule
A worthwhile 3-D movie
Pixar wins again


Gritty and gory
Ignore the obvious flaws
And enjoy the ride

So there you have it. 11 films reviewed in only 187 syllables.

Till next time!


Friday, November 12, 2010

Some poetry from the archives

Hi guys! Since I am not in a position to sit and write comfortably till next week, I figured I'd add a few older pieces for you to read. Here's a couple of my poems from recent times. I hope you enjoy them!

The expanse of black nothing stretches out before me,
I try to make out blurry shapes with lidless eyes,
My body is floating, suspended in this empty place.

Waves of cold and heat rise and fall right through me,
Echoes of familiar voices resonate in my ears,
I cannot make out the words they speak to me.

Unravelling from the tips of my fingers and toes,
My physical form disintegrates into a fine mist,
Slowly I become one with the rushing air around me.

Freed from my prison, I am the wind in the sky,
I am the whispering you hear only in dreams,
You cannot see me, but I brush against your skin.

Come into the rising, burning light of the sun,
Join me here among impossible infinite sky,
We will become beautiful billowing clouds above it all.

Darkness becomes light, days turn over and over,
Time has lost meaning in this new reality,
I am a looking-glass that traps the eternal moment.

I fall with the rain, and rise through the trees,
Crashing on the shore as a powerful wave,
Piercing through the air in the song of the birds.

Open your eyes while you sleep, and let go,
Drift along through the blue dream, I will find you,
Together we will be laughter and tears at once.

I can become the twinkling of the stars at night,
You will live in the crisp air of a new morning,
Together we form a rainbow painted in the sky.

Don't wake yet, let us stay in this beautiful dream.

And here's one more:

The surge of gravity weighs on my mind, dragging thoughts ever downward,
A weight of great intensity, forever tugging at my senses, blurring thought,
I fall.

Shuffling feet wander over my path, these shoes are not my own, dirty and worn,
They were borrowed from another soul, long gone, but who am I now?
I wander.

Waves of doubt created by the wind of terror, the rain pours on the sea,
Crashing foam upon my body, sucking me into the maelstrom,
I drown.

Laughing faces mock me; I beat them all with cool and clever tricks,
The smart guy always has the answer, right? Of course I do,
I pretend.

Determined I fight through each challenge, every day a new strength,
What skills I have attained, a master of all things unimportant.
I ignore.

When shall I decide not to change, but to continue noble,
Acceptance will come but only without regret, with pride at hand
I feel.

Simple honesty wakes my eyes, the obvious so deftly spoken,
How does she know my darkest soul, my brightest light?
I share.

Newfound friendship curls my smile so true, laughter seems new
And discovery so innocent, I wish to open my eyes again

I see.

When shall I face the mirror cracked, to piece together all these thoughts?
The broken shards repair to reveal a knowing and familiar smile, my own.
I believe.

She holds me close, deciding for me what I knew all along, so simple,
Holding hands together, is the whole world inside this touch? Who knows?
I know.

Cheers guys!