Must Miss: Heckraiser PG-13

Howdy horrorphiles, it's me again. After a bit of a break, I've decided to continue to my painful predictions of upcoming remakes. My theory is, by imagining the worst case scenario now, when the film is released it won't seem quite so bad. Idiotic? Sure. But perhaps a bit of fun. So far I have taken on 
I Spit On Your Grave and 
Videodrome


What's next on the butcher's block? 


Hellraiser (1987) was a game changer. The 80's had seen enough formulaic slashers to last a thousand Halloweens, the tenuous grip of censorship and the focus on many projects to "make that target classification" was leaving the average horror fan crying at the steps of the abandoned drive-in. The most horrific slashes and cuts were being made in the editing room. Along came Clive.

I feel there is no plot summary needed. This graphic, often elegantly sickening film was a revelation, a faithful interpretation of a fantastic book by its author, I would go so far as to say a masterpiece of the genre. At the time this was released I was 11 years old, even the still shots on the cover of the video scared me, I knew one thing was certain about Hellraiser: THIS WAS NOT FOR CHILDREN! The 18+ classification was for once a serious warning.

Upon reading this article the other day 
Oh dear


I was frankly more disgusted than a priest at a cenobite gang bang. A PG-13 HELLRAISER? This news gave me the same reaction I had the first time I saw the Toxic Avenger cartoon. Hellraiser has already had over 5 sequels, each more perplexing and messy than the last. So now it's time to bring this tale to the teen crowd? How is this even possible? WHY REMAKE THIS??


Well that's enough introduction. Here's the prediction I hope never comes true. Coming soon to a theater near you.......


Clive Barker's Heckraiser - PG13


Frankie has it all. For his prodigious abilities as a video game programmer, he is working for the hottest company in the world, Minisoft. It is his sole resposibility to perfect the next wave in gaming technology, a game system where the action is projected out around you by the console itself - the  brand new Minisoft Puzbox. All this at the age of 15. He is sent to Africa (a place where he will be safe from corporate spies) to try the new game, Heckris - The Lament Configuration. It is said the final level of this heckish puzzle game is impossible to complete, and the original programmer went insane trying, and then disappeared shortly afterward. Upon returning home to California, Frank discovers the secret to the puzbox, and something that could have been fairly awful happens to him - based on the ominous music and the fact that the camera has panned away to focus intently on the puzbox for a good five minutes, whilst the tie-in hit single "Lament my Heart" by Evanescence is 
played in its entirety. 






Then come the opening credits, including a string of advertisments for the plethora of related Heckraiser and Puzbox products, and a stern reminder for any viewers experiencing extreme terror to watch the film with the special Zero-D glasses provided - these solid cardboard glasses will ensure visual safety from the gut-prodding discomforts the next sixty-eight minutes (including snack and toilet intermission) will be providing.

Meanwhile, in the pee-pee soaked heck-hole that lies beyond the world of normal teens, the dark master of all that is mildly unpleasant sits in his throne of ultimate discomfort - a really old looking wooden chair. Uncushioned. He is Headpin, the emo lord of the Wannabites, a group of disturbed teens in white makeup and leatherette costumes who relish in the suggestion of pain, the idea of hurting oneself, the notion of suffering and finding it kind of cool, the theme of one day having something pierced. Headpin of course has already crossed the threshhold of temporary niggling sensation, as he shows off his shining head accessory to the adoring mob of mindless followers. This heckish wasteland, though too dark to see, is described in blood-agitating detail, it is a domain of evilish behaviour, a labryinth of moderate diffculty created by the excessively semi-destructive behaviour of playing videogames not manufactured by Minisoft. Heck might seem cool, but it's a non stop pot party where Wannabites spread disease through unprotected kissing, and to make matters worse, they plan to bring heck to California if they can escape the confines of the powerful Puzbox....

At this stage I admit I'm struggling. There now needs to be a substantial portion of the original film's plot excluded, simply because even the underlying themes, let alone the graphic violence, sexual scenes and language wouldn't make the cut here. So in replacement....


Frankie is resurrected through the power of stolen souls, which are harvested by the wily Julia, who lures young emo boys into a darkened room with a funny smelling mattress to hold hands and play Puzbox. They end up getting about as much as they bargained for, as they are captured and forced by Frankie to completely remove all of their fashionable clothing, jewelery and makeup, and do goodness knows what, presumably something really quite annoying and dull. As the camera pans faithfully toward the puzbox, the muffled protests of the next victim can be heard... along with "I'm Onna Hurt Yew Dawg", the soon to be hit single by Insane Clown Posse. 


Snack and toilet intermission (approx 25 minutes of advertisments for related products such as Wannabite cereal - "It's a heck of a crunch!"


Meanwhile, in the possibly mouldy and most certainly unsanitary depths of heck, Headpin is in the process of converting the cast of incidental characters into Wannabites, each slightly more unsettling than the next - and by no coincidence, the very nature of their punishment is directly related to some adolescent pitfall from which they were suffering.... Behold....


iPodd Wannabite! This unfortunate teen downloaded copyrighted music to listen to on his iPodd, instead of browsing the very reasonably priced 99c online store - now he must forever suffer the fate of having his iPodd headphones stuck into his ears, forever playing last season's forgotten hits..... Oh the inconvenience!


Smoking Wannabite! This kid thought it was cool to smoke and offer cigarettes to his underage friends - now he must experience the meaning of flavour country, five cigarettes permanently attached to his mouth - Oh the smooth, mild terror!


Preggers Wannabite: This teenage mommy-to-be was planning to get an abortion with her parents' money - what more fitting punishment than being resposible for the day care centre housing the junior members of Heck's dark playground - the often hilarious and always poorly behaved Minibites! Oh, the animation spinoff possibilities!

This is it: time for the final showdown. A stern Zero-D glasses warning indicates viewers should shield their eyes from the coming scenes.

Headpin and the Wannabites have Frankie cornered. Tied up with red licorice vines, there appears to be no escape. Kirsty, the main female character who has yet to appear in the film due to so much editing, is struggling in the corner to try and complete the Lament Configuration level 60 to close the gates of heck again. Frank's fate is sealed off camera, his final words echoing through the room:


"Bieber wept."


As Kirsty completes the game with the help of 24 hour game support and the official game guide (on sale now), the depths of Heck are transformed into an all ages party jam musical number, complete with breakdancing Wannabites and a Headpin headspin. 




So there you have it. Incredibly difficult to pen even as a parody, a PG-13 Hellraiser is simply the most retarded idea since this thing.